stuff i write

6/6/2025

song of the day:

if you look at the clouds long enough you start to notice how slowly they move. some take a different shape, others fade away, but the point is that they are constantly changing, even if it's very slow. there are times that i look at myself in the mirror and notice the changes in my face. shit, i didn't have that lip piercing before, nor did i have red highlights. like, yeah those are obvious changes, but then i start to notice the ones that aren't that visible. i didn't have eyebags back when i was 12, but now look at them! my teeth were at some point a lot more straight, but i guess one of them is moving a little back cuz i stopped weaaring my retainers since last september. i don't think i was as "selfish" as i am now. or maybe that's just me thinking stupid shit.

there are times where i just want to tell everyone every single thing i feel, but then i'm like "hell nah that's stupid" who would wanna hear a college dropout complain about things that can be easily fixed. i'm saying dumb shit again lol.

4/29/25

song of the day:

sometimes i think about what life would be like if i was born an actual guy. it'd probably be the same except i would be working with my dad. either that or be in the military.

reminds me of the time i used to dress more masculine. i had cut my hair super short and wanted people to call me a different name. it was nice. i liked wearing button-ups and being called sir by strangers. i used to watch those voice training videos on how to deepen my voice just so i can feel comfortable talking to people.

i was 16 when i was exploring my gender, and now i'm going to be 19 in a few weeks. i let my hair grow, dress more feminine, and i'm comfortable enough to be referred to as a girl. but i don't regret it. i don't cringe at it at all. like, i'm glad that boy was comfortable with being himself and figuring out who he is.
does that mean i consider myself 100% a girl nowadays? not really. i don't mind what people see me as. if they see a girl, then sure, whatever. if they see me as a guy or a secret third option, i really wouldn't care either.

4/26/25

song of the day:

i'm not gonna lie, a lot of shit has happened since the 7th. i went to the homestuck event at honey and butter for 4/13 which was pretty cool. my boyfriend and i pulled up in bro strider cosplays and it was so awesome. i got to meet the coolest people and hung out with my bf. :)

i've also been jotting down ideas for some oc lore. especially with ivan. i plan on organizing it and uploading it here soon. i think he's probably one of the few oc's whom i have actually taken the time to write about. can't wait to talk more in depth about him.

i also FINALLY watched black mirror bandersnatch with my boyfriend. it's one of my favorite black mirror episodes, and i'm so happy that he enjoyed it as well! auuuugggggghhh i luv him a lot!!!!!!!!

4/7/25

song of the day:

haven't been feeling good. i dunno what it is, but everything has been feeling so heavy lately. it took me a while to get out of bed and my shift felt so fucking long for some reason. i hope i get over it soon. at least i saw a nice flower today. i always see these whenever i walk home from work but they bring some good memories from my childhood. i sometimes eat the stems lol.

4/3/25

song of the day:

first journal entry, yippie!! after abandoning my site for a few months, i finally had the motivation to pick it up again. it felt good to pretty much recolor the whole thing. red is a much better color than the pink theme i had going on.

my day felt a little dull if i have to be honest. i haven't been feeling good about the things that have been going on in my life. most of them are small situations that can easily be fixed, but jesus christ, i make it so much more difficult than it should be. it feels like i'm running in circles, honestly.