stuff i write

song of the day playlist is here and a youtube version here if y'all wanna listen :)

8/10/25

song of the day:

what does it mean to wake up from a fantasy? what does it mean to question everything again? how can one find a way to understand themselves without being blinded by emotions? why is it so hard to be the person you want to be? and how does one overcome fear without the need to be dependent?

back in high school, i had a creative writing class and one of our lessons was slam poetry. we watched a few examples of people performing their poems, and the way people expressed themselves with such emotion gave me goosebumps. one particular performance called "somewhere in america" by the 2014 los angeles team for youth speaks (a slam poetry competition) stuck with me, thinking that if these girls were able to create something so impactful, i can make something like that too. so our teacher assigned us to make one and perform it to the class. to sum it up, mine was about standing up for myself. a lot of my classmates liked it, saying they were surprised on how expressive i was compared to how quiet i usually was. i admit it, it felt nice to be applauded and cheered, and it fueled the passion i had to write. but looking back, i never really did much to keep it going. i would go on and talk about how lazy i am now and i fear i've lost my passion, but i've thought about that lie so many times that i convinced myself it's true. it's still here, chillin in the back of my head. it's always been there, despite the amount of times i've been getting distracted by other things.
i missed the times i would write about anything in the middle of math class, even if it was unfinished poetry or shitty self-insert fanfiction. i miss the times i would talk to my english teacher about the ideas i had that i never wrote on paper, and i miss how easy it was to yap about it to my mom. i took everything for granted. instead of focusing on what i want to do and be the person i want to be, i got distracted big time. i'm mad at myself for that. i gotta lock the fuck in and write for real again.

8/3/25

song of the day:

i'm starting to get the hang of bookkeeping at my job. normally i would ask one of my coworkers to open the safes for me, but i did it myself last time! it took me a good 20 minutes to open them, but i did it! i ended up getting out at around 1pm, mostly 'cause i was asking my boss for more help. i am slowly understanding how to do my reports correctly and managing my time better. there are still a few things i gotta work on though, but i'm tryna not to take it too seriously. i don't wanna be THAT important to a grocery store that doesn't pay much.

besides that, i've been trying to do something else rather than doomscroll all day after work. yesterday my mom helped me re-dye my hair. it's nice to kinda talk to her after not doing so for a while. we ended up spilling some of the dye on the porch and now there's like, two red splotches on the floor lol.
i don't really have much to say today (mostly cuz it's almost 12am as i'm typing this and i'm tired as shit). anyway here's a pic of me with my re-dyed hair from yesterday bluhhh

7/30/2025

song of the day:

felt like i wasted another day again by doomscrolling on my phone. i could've done anything else like, i dunno, go visit the library near my house, rollerblade, draw anything, re-dye my hair, play volleyball with my sister, but it's almost 9:30pm by the time i'm typing this and one of the few things in my mind is what time i'm going to clock in tomorrow. i guess i have another chance to do something a little different tomorrow. and maybe my mom was right, it IS that damn phone. might be one of the many reasons i am the way i am. maybe i wouldn't be so hard on myself or be as anxious. who knows?

i've been thinking about what my future will look like. to be honest i have no plans and i am scared i will never know. i've been told near the end of my high school years that i should stick to writing and study english, and yeah it was something that seemed cool, but i don't even know if i want to do that anymore. i mean i STILL wanna do it but i haven't taken it seriously. and it's frustrating when you know you need to take it seriously, but there's still a part of me that's simply being a lazy fuck!! i constantly see videos of people who have written novels at such a young age and i'm still here writing absolutely nothing. i know everyone works at a different pace and all, but damn dude when will argie post something that isn't about them and their whining??!! guhhhh this is so dumb

on a different note, i'm pretty excited for pacific purgatory's new album. "gills" is a good song and i can't wait to listen to the other songs soon. he and gezebelle gaburgably have been my favorite artists for a while. actually, gezebelle has been my favorite for a longer time. i'm not an og since i started listening to her music since last year, but god damn she is so fucking cool. giblin, the fridge, and gaburger are my top 3 favorite albums. i relate to a lot of her songs, especially "spider vinegar". the whole album itself holds a special place in my heart 'cause it's so honest and some of its songs hit hard. and i own it as a cd too :)!

7/14/25

song of the day:

i moved to a new house with my family a few days ago. it's slightly smaller compared to where i used to live, but we have a garage, a balcony, and an empty area where we can do whatever. we live near disneyland and we can see the fireworks. moving 15 years worth of clothes, books, and other things was a pain in the ass, especially if you're moving to a different city. anaheim's alright. memorizing the names of streets and stores will be pretty easy i hope. i haven't really had much time to explore 'cause of work and not having a car yet. but i'll get one soon hopefully by the end of this month.

when i was cleaning out my now old bedroom i found one of my old sketchbooks from 2017. i can't lie ts looks pretty good. i would show a few from back when i was in elementary but i'm a bit embarrased to post them, lol. maybe some other time.

i've started to listen to pacific purgatory a lot. i really love his music and style, especially the song i have here. it's been helping me through a lot.

6/6/2025

song of the day:

if you look at the clouds long enough you start to notice how slowly they move. some take a different shape, others fade away, but the point is that they are constantly changing, even if it's very slow. there are times that i look at myself in the mirror and notice the changes in my face. shit, i didn't have that lip piercing before, nor did i have red highlights. like, yeah those are obvious changes, but then i start to notice the ones that aren't that visible. i didn't have eyebags back when i was 12, but now look at them! my teeth were at some point a lot more straight, but i guess one of them is moving a little back cuz i stopped weaaring my retainers since last september. i don't think i was as "selfish" as i am now. or maybe that's just me thinking stupid shit.

there are times where i just want to tell everyone every single thing i feel, but then i'm like "hell nah that's stupid" who would wanna hear a college dropout complain about things that can be easily fixed. i'm saying dumb shit again lol.

4/29/25

song of the day:

sometimes i think about what life would be like if i was born an actual guy. it'd probably be the same except i would be working with my dad. either that or be in the military.

reminds me of the time i used to dress more masculine. i had cut my hair super short and wanted people to call me a different name. it was nice. i liked wearing button-ups and being called sir by strangers. i used to watch those voice training videos on how to deepen my voice just so i can feel comfortable talking to people.

i was 16 when i was exploring my gender, and now i'm going to be 19 in a few weeks. i let my hair grow, dress more feminine, and i'm comfortable enough to be referred to as a girl. but i don't regret it. i don't cringe at it at all. like, i'm glad that boy was comfortable with being himself and figuring out who he is.
does that mean i consider myself 100% a girl nowadays? not really. i don't mind what people see me as. if they see a girl, then sure, whatever. if they see me as a guy or a secret third option, i really wouldn't care either.

4/26/25

song of the day:

i'm not gonna lie, a lot of shit has happened since the 7th. i went to the homestuck event at honey and butter for 4/13 which was pretty cool. my boyfriend and i pulled up in bro strider cosplays and it was so awesome. i got to meet the coolest people and hung out with my bf. :)

i've also been jotting down ideas for some oc lore. especially with ivan. i plan on organizing it and uploading it here soon. i think he's probably one of the few oc's whom i have actually taken the time to write about. can't wait to talk more in depth about him.

i also FINALLY watched black mirror bandersnatch with my boyfriend. it's one of my favorite black mirror episodes, and i'm so happy that he enjoyed it as well! auuuugggggghhh i luv him a lot!!!!!!!!

4/7/25

song of the day:

haven't been feeling good. i dunno what it is, but everything has been feeling so heavy lately. it took me a while to get out of bed and my shift felt so fucking long for some reason. i hope i get over it soon. at least i saw a nice flower today. i always see these whenever i walk home from work but they bring some good memories from my childhood. i sometimes eat the stems lol.

4/3/25

song of the day:

first journal entry, yippie!! after abandoning my site for a few months, i finally had the motivation to pick it up again. it felt good to pretty much recolor the whole thing. red is a much better color than the pink theme i had going on.

my day felt a little dull if i have to be honest. i haven't been feeling good about the things that have been going on in my life. most of them are small situations that can easily be fixed, but jesus christ, i make it so much more difficult than it should be. it feels like i'm running in circles, honestly.